Quick Note

I seem to be deluding myself in my ability to handle work, twin two-year olds, and a girlfriend.

I apologize for my inability to properly update. Let’s see how November treats us…

How I Spent my Summer Weigh-Cation: Preamble

A near three month absence and the puns return RIGHT OFF THE BAT. How’s THAT for consistency.

So, an apology to mein fronds in webland; I’ve been overtly neglectful of my website of the past months of living, but for good reason: Life. Work has gotten in the way of everything and, when not working, I was spending time with my lovely significant other, whom I shall refer to as “Sugarmama.” She is sweet and a mother of two little twins, hence the nickname. Not because she buys me stuff.

Yet.

As for me, expect a full-return to postery and talkativeness over the next while. The school year is ramping up, my life is moving along steadily and, most importantly, I’m not a beached whale! Hooray!

Although I have developed a blowhole…maybe I should see a doctor about that?

How I Spent My Summer Weigh-Cation: Preamble to the Preamble

Yes, blogs do qualify! Just make it good!

How to qualify:

1. Your account must have been created before the article was published.

2. You must be able to prove you wrote the article (put your lord name and server in the article, publish from the same email as your Evony account, send us the article before it is published, etc.)

3. Send the URL of the successful publication along with your lord name, server and login email to pr@evony.com. We’ll review your article, and if it’s excellent, we’ll be sending you a special “thank you” bonus of 500 cents for FREE in game!

Thanks and good luck!

This is how they intrigued me.

One of the things I did early in the summer, instead of posting on my blog, was playing an online game called Evony.

If you’re not familiar with Evony, allow me to explain it’s benefits: 1) It’s Free, 2) It’s Addicting, 3) It’s Freedicting, and 4) It’s Fun, Social, Entertaining (plus the other words into some Frankenportmanteau, probably Funsocienterfreedictingal. I’m no good at that. ) Surprisingly, it’s not the image above that makes the game so much fun! In fact, the above image does not represent the game at all! No boobs anywhere — unless you count the boobs who spend all their resources building up their Academy studies and forgetting about their armies. Am I right? Huh? AMIRIGHT?! Who’s WITH me? YEAH!

I suppose you’d have to play the game to really get that. Speaking of…

Here’s what happened. I was recommended by a friend, who in turn was recommended by a friend, who in turn told two friends who told two friends who continued this terrible joke into infinity. It’s simple, really: You start off as a minor lord in a small area in a fuedal-type land. You build houses, study fields of interest, fortify your kingdom, train armies, join alliances and attack unsuspecting NOOBS. PWNED! LOL!!!111!!!! And so on. You can set your armies to scout areas, you can hire heroes to lead them into battle, you can chit-chat with your alliance about the day’s events, you can build teeny-little digital houses that contain teenier-littler digital peoples who can then be turned into workers to help maintain the means of production and so on and so on.

It’s kinda like living in England in the early part of the 11th century, but without all the messy dysentry.

Mike gets called "Dude" a LOT.

Another nice thing about the game is, while it’s free, you can pay to play it.

Wait, what?

What I mean is to say is, the game does have purchase options available to help advance your character/town/alliance/self-worth, if you should so choose. In this era of constant monetization, it’s nice to see that transactions aren’t so much a requirement as they are an option, should one wish to take advantage of them. This freedom actually led me, of sound mind and fat wallet, to a purchase (a few, in fact) credits. This helped me build up my towns much quicker. It also made me far cooler to the ladies.

Like THIS lady. Rrrowr!

Now, for those of you with office jobs out there screaming, “BUT DAN, MY BOSS WILL CATCH ME PLAYING UND I VILL GET EEN TROUBLE” I say this:

Why are you German? Also, have no fear! There’s an option to actually change what the internet tab reads. So, if you want it to say “TPS Report” or “All-Male Dance Revue” it can, and rest easy that if your computer is spied when the boss is close, they’ll be none the wiser.

This is where you would stroke your goatee (or someone else’s, should you not have one) and cackle maniacally.

So, there you have it. Free, online, free, boobs (but not really), free and sneaky. How can it get any better than that?

Playing it, on your laptop, while you lie on THIS.

Tai Slim – In Case You Missed It

I’ve been a very bad boy, I know. But here, for your reading enjoyment are all the Tai Slim related posts. Read them, and enjoy them, as per the “reading enjoyment” demarcation of my previous sentence.

Tai Slim
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven
Wrap-Up
Tale of the Tape

You love reading my writing. Admit it.

It’s Coming

Three days. All updates updated, and the revelation of the final, craziest, faddiest diet of all.

See you Tuesday, 5pm EST.

Where the heck is Dan?

Just to prove I’m not dead.

Measured Storytime

Not Dan says “something”

Hey guys!

It’s been pretty quiet out in Fadboy nation and, well, I have been busy. No the Sun Destroyer hasn’t been acting up… that’s actually ahead of schedule. And thanks to emailer nariese who gave me the names of those deluded donors who had second thoughts about stage two.  Sol trembles at the wrath of those oppressed by the Military-Diet Industrial Complex, and rightly so.

Strangely, Dan is even more busier than I, although the cameras I have watching him assure me that he still is dieting. Unless he is paying them again…

So what have I, the great voice of the people been up to? Well, just so you know I too have been dieting… My diet consists of not eating foods featured here.

It’s a bold decision, really. I can have all the french fries and hamburgers I want, I just can’t combine them, deep fry them,then slather gravy, cool whip and brown sugar all over them.

I have gained 12 pounds since yesterday as a result.

Now, my “lawyer*” has told me that due to certain contractual obligations that I may have accidentally filled out while in one of my various financial models that attempt to monetize this blog that despite what the Treasury department and the Supreme Court said, do not, in any way resemble a ponzi and/or pyramid scheme. Whew… all  this legal mumbo jumbo like “guilty” and “restitution” have me all confused… where was I? Oh yeah, apparently as part of my plea bargain civic duty, I shall have to actually provide some useful commentary on this blog.

So let’s have at it shall we: Excercise!!!

Yes, I know how many hate those words. I’m not an athlete, nor will I ever be one. But dieting is only one aspect of a healthy lifestyle. A little bit of exercise won’t turn you into an Adonis** like I am, but it can help a lot and might actually help you live a longer and less happy life (because you are exercising so much).

An active lifestyle is exactly that: Semantics.  I started small though. I think my first decision to increase my activity was to park at the back of the mall parking lot and walk a bit further to go to the movies. I tried walking places in my free time, even if it just was around the block. Eventually I moved up to jogging. My first attempt was embarrassing to say the least, but I kept at it. I was lucky at the time to be doing it where no one was watching, or at least if they were, have kindly suppressed the video tape.

If you ask me what the two key things have been in me keeping a bit active, even with school and work destroying what love of this world I have left, I will say two things:

1. Repetition: I keep doing it, even if it is a little each day. A few pushups here, a walk there: A bikeride if I feel like it. I make it a habit, and sometimes I even if feeling a bit like eating, well, stuff from the first link, I go hmmm, maybe if I walk there and then back, I might, you know, burn a tenth of the calories off. It helps.
2. The other thing is that I have some really great friends who want to hear tales of my athletic prowess. A little bit of encouragement can go a long way in keeping me going, so thanks to my friends who ask me “did you do it?” It really helps.

Well that’s enough lack of candour from me for one post, and I hope was relatively useless. I’ve got a lot of work this week*** but hopefully Dan will be back less busy soon. In any case, Fadboy nation still lives on…

Darren “vox Populi” Rosencranz

*Although having only just gotten a D- in grade 11 law at the local vocational institute he hasn’t quite passed the bar yet

**Yes actually, I am very pretty… it is quite well known in my social circles.

***Acadamia is actually hard work. Most people would reckon what I do madness but, well I like it.

The Tale is the Tape

Tai-ing Things Up

Yes, one last Tai-based pun for the wrap-up post. Sue me. I was thinking “The Juice is Useless,” but I still think OJ jokes are in bad taste.

Seven Days of following a really basic diet is one thing, but following a diet that sells me crud and tells me it’s fairy dust is another thing entirely.

Oh, and you have the chance to win money! Wow!

Here’s the breakdown and let us never speak of this rip-off again:

The Good

The makers of TAISlim give you a diet plan that is, for all intents and purposes, logical, full of common sense, and easy to follow. It’s your basic low carb diet plan, with proteins and veggies to allow for fullness and regularity.

I lost 4 pounds. That’s good for any Fad Diet…

The Bad

…but not for a diet that purports to be the Magickiest Thing that ever Magicked.

Also, a piece of Melba Toast as a snack is STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. Just throw it in with breakfast or dinner, for crying out loud. Or eat both Melbas with your breakfast. Don’t make me waste my time eating a single piece of Melba toast, TAISlim diet plan.

The Ugly

Everything else about the TAISlim corporation.

The trickery.

The Huckster Vibe.

And the taste of their gross, gross product.

STAY AWAY FROM THIS.

Save your money. Don’t buy the liquid crap, ignore the “testimonials,” and follow a similar diet plan (minus the TAISlim product itself) and you’ll be just fine.

Join me for our next adventure: The Eat Clean Diet!

Tai Seven On

May 21st, 2009

Hot friggin’ darn! DAY SEVEN IS UPON ME!

Play TAISlim off, Keyboard Cat.

Tai Six On

May 20, 2009

Once you’ve done one day of TAIslim, you’ve really done them all — at least, the PHASE I period. PHASE II, of course, is more PHASIER than PHASE I; I recommend it only for the pure of heart.

In other news, I’ve run out of frustration. The product is what it is. It’s yet another Diet Industry Magic Thing (TM) that makes people think that wonderful, Godlike things can happen. It is the Wizard of Oz — but without the realization that you had the power within you all along.

I think this diet, more than any of the others, is the trickiest of all the Fad Diets (at least, the ones I tried) because the Magic Thing (which they all have) is so entirely incidental to the procedure, yet played up as being so entirely integral, that it must be that amazing and beneficial.

Well, guess what? It still tastes like crap and really doesn’t do much for me on any personal level. My energy is the same, my regularity is the same, and near as I can tell, my weight-loss is still the same.

I guess it’s just the Lotto Ticket Phenomena. You just want the chance to DREAM and put your faith in something other than yourself — because if you don’t win that kajillion dollars, at least you’ve got someone else to blame.

Tai Five On

May 19, 2009

I am a dedicated individual. Do you remember when I did the Lemonade Diet? No, really, do you? Because I’ve blacked that out. People tell me, however, that I followed through on the entire diet despite my DAILY PROTESTS against the ridiculousness of the diet itself. Why? Because I’m a TROOPER.

More Trooper than All Three COMBINED

That being said, I reserve the right to whine about the disgusting practices of a corporate fakeout, coupled with putridsauce, under the guise of MAGIC THING. That is my prerogative.

Where does that find us on Day Five? Barely alive. Sure, sure, I’m not hungry — but I blame that on 14 previous diets — and I haven’t died, but I just can’t stands the implication that this drink is some magical be-all and end-all. It so totally isn’t, people. Use yer heads.

So, rather than tell you how stupid this putridsauce is, I now present quick weight-loss solutions for those who wish to win the TAISlim Contest.

Enjoy.

Tai Four On

May 18, 2009

FreeLife applauds and congratulates all who participated in the TAI slim Lose Weight, Feel Great $40,000 Challenge and lost weight by incorporating the TAIslim program into their lifestyle. The Challenge was truly an opportunity where everyone who lost was a winner.

(HAW HAW!)

All of our amazing contestants should be commended for their discipline, dedication, and drive to looking and feeling their very best. More than any contest, good health has and always will be a worthy goal and we are elated to hear of all the remarkable results. We would like to acknowledge and celebrate the accomplishments of those contestants who achieved the most stunning weight loss results by the conclusion of the contest period. The winners of the TAI slim Lose Weight, Feel Great $40,000 Challenge contest will receive their awards in May as an addition to their April check.

(Because, you know, they sell the product, too.)

We hope our Challenge and its winners will continue to bring inspiration to the ongoing pursuits of healthy lifestyles.

Now, let’s Meet Our Winners!

Jeanine K, Alberta! Women’s First Place, $5000! Lost 33 pounds!

I am so grateful to FreeLife for creating TAIslim. I have struggled with my weight all my life and it has been a huge blessing to me. I have lost weight in the past, but it always seemed to come back. I would cut my calories and do my best to stay away from sugar, and incorporate exercise to lose the weight, but it was a difficult and slow process. When I learned that FreeLife was launching a new product that supported weight loss, I couldn’t wait to try it. When I started drinking TAIslim on January 22, 2009, I still experienced all of the benefits I had with GoChi with all of the added benefits of TAIslim. With TAIslim I have a lot of energy and I’m able to do my regular activities with plenty of energy to spare for any exercise I need to do. I have also noticed that I don’t have cravings. Less than three months after starting the TAIslim program I have lost 33 pounds. I know that with TAIslim I can continue to lose weight and feel great. If you are trying to lose weight, I would encourage you to try TAIslim. I know it has made all the difference.

Wow, thanks JEanine K, from Alberta! Also, love the photo — wearing white in the first picture, looking frumpy then, BAM, for your after pic, turning slightly, thrusting out your chest and sucking in your gut! DRAMATIC WEIGHT LOSS! But that’s not as impressive as our next winner…COME ON DOWN!

Steve B, Pennsylvania! Men’s First Place! $5000! Lost 61 Pounds!

I can actually say that TAIslim REALLY WORKS! I have needed to lose weight for a while and now I can fit into my old clothing again. Not only did I lose 61 pounds, I lost six inches off my waist and just over six inches off my belly. I took TAIslim before each meal and did not eat after 6:00. I also joined the gym, used the steam sauna, and swam in the pool three times a week on average. TAIslim brought me off the couch and got me very motivated. Go TAIslim!

That’s great, Steve! Love the upward angle Before Picture, followed by the downward angle After Picture. You look half your old size even though, well, you’re not. But anyway, way to go on working out a billion times each week, but really, it’s the Magic Thing that did it all for you, not your own will or motivation. Congratulations!

Would you like to count yourself as one of the BIG WINNERS in the MAGIC THING COMPETITION OF BLATANT PROMOTION? I sure would! Enter TODAY!

Tai Three On

May 17, 2009

Do you know what the TAISlim people push when hawking their product?

Money.

Dollah dollah bill, y'all.

Yeah, that’s right — weight loss isn’t a good enough incentive for people, the chance to win $5000 is.

TAISlim promotes a weight-loss contest to really push people to follow their diets. This is akin to bribing your child with a toy everytime he uses the potty. And all they want you to do is send ‘em a Before Photo, with weight, and an After Photo, with weight. Worried about cheaters? Not TAISlim!

All entries and winners are subject to verification at the sole discretion of FreeLife. FreeLife will not require third party validation of your starting and ending weight and photos. We just expect our great Marketing Executives to be forthright. We will audit final winners list.

We just expect our “great Marketing Executives” (that’s you, the consumer) “to be forthright.” Yeah. Trust people. It’s almost like they’re not even trying.

The more I look at this, the more it just reeks of Rip-off. Clip-joint. Scammy Davis Jr. Y’dig, man?

Sign up to shill their product, join a weight loss challenge which they don’t really verify in any reasonable manner, and possibly win money. Right. Sure.

And the MAGIC THING does everything you can dream of. Feh.

See you on day four.

Short and Fat

Tai Two On

May 16, 2009

Today I thought that I would very much like to save up all my Melba Toast for one big Melbabration at the end of the week. That would give me 12 pieces of Melba to Melbalize. Mmmmelba.

I then decided against this as, well, it would be against the spirit of the Fad Diet Experiment and would destroy everything it holds dear.

Then I laughed at the Fad Diet Experiment being personified as a Clown with Food all over his face; my mind goes on weird tangents. Hee hee, messy clown.

Approximation of my face, after drinking MAGIC THING

You already know the drill, I hope, as you’re likely reading this blog on a super-regular basis. Or, at least, have the attention span to remember Day Two. Let’s recap:

1) DRINK MAGIC THING

2) Eat Less Than 1200 Calories (Veggies/Proteins)

3) Sob deeply, lose weight.

Okay, that’s unfair. I don’t see why you’d cry. There’s enough food for any man/woman/child to eat here. Well, too much if you’re baby, and totally not enough if you’re a body-builder, or hypo-glycemic or…okay, let’s just say it’s fine if you’re trying to lose weight, okay? Anyway, TAISlim’s diet plan is easy to do and, oh, excuse me a moment.

GAG.

Really, this stuff is putrid. I see absolutely no benefit to drinking this at all. It’s just $40 of goop. Eww, ewww, eww.

Okay, sorry, unfair again. Gotta keep an open mind, gotta be willing to assume that the Magic Thing does assist in the Magic Properties of Weight Loss. If I don’t, then the terrorists win.

While I keep on, keepin’ on, I will say that I’m enjoying the very basic diet plan laid out for me by TAISlim, and, had I never seen a diet plan before, I’d be really impressed. I mean, it’s decent amount of food, logical, and provides you with enough — okay, seriously, I’m done pretending. They’re stupid.

See you on day three.

Tai One On

May 15, 2009

Wandering apprehensively into the realm of Foisted-Upon-Dan Diet products, I began my first day of TAISlim.

For those who don’t remember, the basic gist of the diet is this:

Drink the MAGIC THING before Breakfast and Lunch, and get all sorts of scientificky-weight-loss-benefits that are otherwise unapproved by the FDA, but still entirely possible — oh, yeah, and also eat this really low calorie, low-carb diet. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

All this can be yours.

I can now make my first judgement: This diet is stupid — BASED ON CURRENT INFORMATION. We’ll see how I feel at the end of the week.

Oh, and a second judgement: TAISlim tastes how I imagine pureed dung beetles & rotten toenails would taste, if I were to affix a random flavour to the MAGIC THING.

Now, on the upside of the diet, I ate a considerable amount today. Since I don’t care to make oatmeal, I opted for Dan’s Lazy Meals, wherein I basically eat the same thing every day.

After starting my day with 2 ounces of TAIslim (along with 8 ounces of water), I had a breakfast consisting of two poached eggs, a piece of toast, an orange and a cup of coffee with sweetener (275 cal.). Mmm, mmm! I felt like a 1950s Businessman. A few hours later I had another piece of fruit and a piece of melba toast (100 cal.)– which, incidentally, is the dumbest snack ever. Who wants A melba toast? That’s like eating one piece of popcorn — before charging into lunch (with another MAGIC THING round), and my grilled chicken salad (320 cal.). Since I’m lazy, I repeated my morning snack and lunch for dinner (420 cal.).

That puts my daily caloric intake at 1115.

Okay, I’m making my Third Judgement Now.

On the plus side of things, yeah, there’s a lot of eating going on — so that’s totally good. No cravings on day one, but by now I’m totally used to this Not Eating a Lot business. Your mileage may vary. On the downside of things, I have to consume the MAGIC THING, and I really don’t think I’m going to like doing so for very much longer.

Also, a single melba toast as a snack is stupid, stupid stupid.

Let’s wander over to day two, shall we?

Tai a Yellow Ribbon

Back to punny form. I rule, I know.

The Diet Du Week is TAISlim; perhaps you have heard of it? It seems to have made a very big splash in the Niagara Region. In fact, the day after my article was published in the Niagara Falls Review I fielded what seemed like a gajillion phone calls and emails from people I knew trying to get me to purchase TaiSlim.

It somewhat bothered me that they thought it was a straight weight-loss endeavour; all these people saw in me was “Potential Customer.” That annoyed me. I am not a walking dollar sign, people. I’m a walking meatball. Get it right.

Still, one person called and offered a free bottle to try and to see if it is effective. This was a few months ago, and I’ve been sitting on it since then, but I felt it only fair to give it a shot. So, thanks Julian Zarafonitis. Let’s dive right in and see what happens!

Oh Emm Gee.

This stuff tastes disgusting.

Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. No pre-judging here, folks! Let’s jump into the Deets Du Diet for all you interested peeps.

The TAIslim^™ Ultimate Weight Management Plan

Simply follow these eight steps for a totally new you!

1. Set a Goal

2. Find Support

3. Choose the Right Foods

4. Exercise

5. Drink Water

6. Take A Multivitamin Supplement

7. Get Adequate Sleep

8. Don’t Skip Meals, and Avoid Late-Night Snacks

Okay, that’s totally super basic information, TAIslim people. I won’t even begin to go off on these things, because they’re all about pretending this Fad Diet isn’t a Fad Diet, but instead a natural and acceptable addition to your regular eating habits. Le sigh. Give me something good here. Do you, perhaps, have some sort of MAGIC THING I can pin all my weight-loss hopes and dreams on? YOU DO?! Oh, goody-gumdrops! The Magic Thing, mon fronds, is the special goopy drink thing that you have to have twice a day, and it comes in a giant bottle that only costs $40 to purchase! The secret to weight-loss, they claim, is IN LIQUID FORM! Hot diggity damn! The TAIslim people go on and on about the awesomeness of their product, but it basically breaks down to this:

The Magic Thing (my words) SIMULTANEOUSLY:

1) Decreases Stress Hormones (that accumulate belly fat)

2) Makes digestive tract enzymes absorb less calories from starchy/fatty foods

3) Suppresses your appetite

4) Enhances your metabolism better than a placebo!

5) Provides “gentle cleansing and detoxifying” to promote regularity and so on and so forth.

Sounds fantastic — and almost too good to be true, right? Just four ounces a day and all these wonderful things can happen? Well, awesomesauce, folks! That’s great! I can eat whatever I want and — wait, hold on, what do I eat?

Ahhhh. Okay, I see. Pretty similar to most other restrictive diets — in fact, it’s really just a low carb diet with Magic Thing consumption. Veggies > Proteins > Starches. I think I can follow that. Let’s see how the addition of Magic Thing to, well, a really basic diet, adds to the weight loss.

I’m excited, aren’t you? It’s TAItastic!

Is This a Tale of the Tape I See Before Me?